There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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