Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
