I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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