Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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