Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
