Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
