wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
