two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
