You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
