Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
