oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Drunk is a universal language darling
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
