Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
