what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
