I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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