Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
