It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
