I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
