I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
