the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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