Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
