I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
