If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
