i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
