i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
