If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
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you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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