Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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