i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Will exercising make me less horny?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
