Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
