I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
