We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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