There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
