I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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