I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
