Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
