i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
