So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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