So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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