Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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