the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
