This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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