what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Randomize
