Kiss
Puke
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
