when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
