That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
