im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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