I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
last night I used snow as a chaser
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
