why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Randomize
