i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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