I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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