i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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