We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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