i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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