Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
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can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
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My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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