Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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