i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
