i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
