I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
